well life continues downhill

 9 months since I posted and life goes on.  We have have diagnosis two actually that confirm what I knew donkey ages ago.  We have been slowly regressing which is what this is all about.  Slowly but surely Tim is less Tim.  I am losing him.  Hard to watch.  Right now not so bad.  We will see how this goes. Caregiving was sort of my thing as in the usual fix meals, do laundry as opposed to the be in charge of most everything.  Like living alone EXCEPT that you have another person who is not a total participant.  Helpful and not.   I have minimal support as I have a severe lack of friends and mini family at a distance and all old.  Things I can and cannot control.  I am getting lessons almost daily.  We have been accepted into a Medicare program that is underwhelming me.  New and not so helpful as I had hoped.  Next week a home visit and we shall form a better judgment after that.  Saving me are online reading, books, and a sense of humor.  Laughter .... it can be funny.  Heatbreaking and sad....  talk about a roller coaster of emotions hourly daily.  

Further down the road

 

Well we are waiting on the universe, fin. 

 

I know I am powerless and that is huge confession for someone who wants to be in command at all costs.  Little by little I have learned to bend, to let go and let the the universe do what is needed.  There will be ups and downs and I need all the patience, wisdom and help I can every hour, every day. 

 

No vacations in hell and to my mind this is hell or at least limb 

2025

 years have past and now we are in a dark place and it is upsetting and sad.  

Hopefully this is not a forever downer.  

We like to see the good guy ride in and save us. 

They seem to be lacking, but that is what hope is about. 

Looking back

mad

I wonder on some level if we have asked to be in this time and place.

“But I don’t want to go among mad people,” 

Alice remarked.

“Oh, you can’t help that,” said the Cat: 

“we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.”

“How do you know I’m mad?” 

said Alice.

“You must be,” 

said the Cat, "

or you wouldn’t have come here.”

LIfe is short enjoy it

 We are in a good spot here and we don't leave often.  Vacation land...  is that boring.... sometimes.  Should we climb out of the rut and do things.  Probably.  Do we do it?  I can't make up a bucket list for the life of me.  Things I want to do before I die..... what things do I crave doing that I am not doing? 

Am I content with the status quo?  

 

Big question.

 

Life is short, and who knows if we have a week, a year or ten years.  7 days, 365, or 3650......

Big questions and for now not answered, but definitely food for thought.

Christmas new style

 This year Christmas was minimal because of Joan's fall and my total lack of interest.  The fall was an excuse and aren't we thankful for that.  Not the fall, but the excuse of it.  

The holiday has not been inspiring, fun, warm, nice in donkey ages 

and this year it felt better because I more or less ignored it.  

One of the only things I had planned to do was send our holiday wishes and I messed with them

 and took a new picture to use.  

Never sent the message except a few copies I mailed to a few people who sent Christmas cards.  

Some who sent late cards got nada.

the swan pleased me and here it is in a few variations.  

A SISTER IS FOREVER....

WHEN YOU'R HAPPY

I'M HAPPY.

WHEN YOUR HEART HURTS,

 MINE HURTS

challenge

 I, for my entire life, have done the bare minimal.  anything gets tough I get going.  not finishing studies, not becoming an expert, not, not not.

I want to before I leave this earth become good at something.  I need to finish the exercise, the whatever.  

I need to accept the challenge.

I will learn to bake bread

I will do Qigong till I am good at it.

I can do this.  I CAN DO THIS.  I STARTED TODAY .....

i NEED TO GET UP AND OFF MY LAZY ASS AND DO SOMETHING WELL.

daisies

 

big rains last night

 our vernal pond had almost dried up and was a vernal puddle until the 3 or 4 inches last night.  Many roads are closed because of flooding.  We will be going into summer with a good water table.  Best of all the geese and ducks have a swimming hole again.  Happiness is a vernal pond in the front yard.  What a treat.  What a treasure.  What a divine gift.

listening

 It has come to me that it annoys me when I am speaking

 that that person is not bothering to listen. 

They are busy doing something else.

Tuned out looking at something.

 I have been guilty of this.  We all are. 

 Communication is so off with texts and screens that the phone 

and in person seem the best, but have found them lacking.  

2023 the first day

 Springlike with 40s and snow melting.  Crazy ups and downs.  

Will be almost 60 this week and then temps plummet again.  

 

                                                Climate change and nature at their finest.

Right now this snowy picture is wrong as most of the snow has melted.  

Pond has water on top, but it will refreeze tonight, then thaw again.  

This is our MO this fall and now into the new year. 

nature is awesome

We have had freezing weather this November mixed with warm days. Recently water dripped off the roof and into the garden tug and then froze in the most amazing way.

My bestest friends

Rugula Scatter Rug, a princess who spent the first seven months of her life in a shelter

Pepper came to us from VT with the name Harper.  She is 5, a wild sweet crazy dane.

 So in this time of my life where family and friends are thin, these two fill a void.  Works for me as I am so bad with people.  Aren't I blessed to have found these two.... as my doctor said you can't choose your family..... well you can choose your friends..

August this year

 

 

My favs trees and light. 

My feelings on opposites ~

 We have been battling gypsy moths for two years and although I try to appreciate nature around me, I can't like these destructive beasts that work to kill our trees and multiple while you watch.  

On the other hand I adore dragonflies.  Even the name is fine.  They do good work and are stunningly beautiful.  

Perhaps these two are ying and yang.  Or better darkness vs light.

dafs on the windowsill

 

spring 2022

 Well we have had a time of it lately with Pepper, first spayed and now sick.  High temps and an infection? of some sort.  On antibiotics she is improving but not totally herself.  Off putting to have a sick animal.

You feel such guilt that you haven't taken the best care of your innocent. Guess at that rate we would berate ourselves for our diseases.  More likely that than the dog.

Long time no write...

 In 2020 Shunka died, then Wooley died.  My plan had always been to find a new dog and cat.  The universe had other plans.  I did find a cat, a scared cat at a rescue in Norway.  I didn't really know what I got as it was a fast tranaction with me having to decide without having seen many.  That one with the black tail.... she was wrapped in a blanket.  That was all I saw of her for days, but when she came out she was pretty, scared, young.  It took as a long time to settle in together, but we did.  We being me as she doesn't do Tim, but he didn't work at it as I did.  

REGULA RUG.... sweet girl.... who loves me, likes the space.

 

 

PEPPER

This year 2022, two years after losing Shunka we found a dog, a great Dane girl, 5 years old a rehome from VT.  She is basically a rescue as her former home left a tad to be desired.  Harper was her name.  Now Pepper.  Sweet, loving, nuts, funny. After a month we are getting into a routine and comfortable.