well life continues downhill

 9 months since I posted and life goes on.  We have have diagnosis two actually that confirm what I knew donkey ages ago.  We have been slowly regressing which is what this is all about.  Slowly but surely Tim is less Tim.  I am losing him.  Hard to watch.  Right now not so bad.  We will see how this goes. Caregiving was sort of my thing as in the usual fix meals, do laundry as opposed to the be in charge of most everything.  Like living alone EXCEPT that you have another person who is not a total participant.  Helpful and not.   I have minimal support as I have a severe lack of friends and mini family at a distance and all old.  Things I can and cannot control.  I am getting lessons almost daily.  We have been accepted into a Medicare program that is underwhelming me.  New and not so helpful as I had hoped.  Next week a home visit and we shall form a better judgment after that.  Saving me are online reading, books, and a sense of humor.  Laughter .... it can be funny.  Heatbreaking and sad....  talk about a roller coaster of emotions hourly daily.  

Further down the road

 

Well we are waiting on the universe, fin. 

 

I know I am powerless and that is huge confession for someone who wants to be in command at all costs.  Little by little I have learned to bend, to let go and let the the universe do what is needed.  There will be ups and downs and I need all the patience, wisdom and help I can every hour, every day. 

 

No vacations in hell and to my mind this is hell or at least limb 

2025

 years have past and now we are in a dark place and it is upsetting and sad.  

Hopefully this is not a forever downer.  

We like to see the good guy ride in and save us. 

They seem to be lacking, but that is what hope is about. 

Looking back

mad

I wonder on some level if we have asked to be in this time and place.

“But I don’t want to go among mad people,” 

Alice remarked.

“Oh, you can’t help that,” said the Cat: 

“we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.”

“How do you know I’m mad?” 

said Alice.

“You must be,” 

said the Cat, "

or you wouldn’t have come here.”

LIfe is short enjoy it

 We are in a good spot here and we don't leave often.  Vacation land...  is that boring.... sometimes.  Should we climb out of the rut and do things.  Probably.  Do we do it?  I can't make up a bucket list for the life of me.  Things I want to do before I die..... what things do I crave doing that I am not doing? 

Am I content with the status quo?  

 

Big question.

 

Life is short, and who knows if we have a week, a year or ten years.  7 days, 365, or 3650......

Big questions and for now not answered, but definitely food for thought.

Christmas new style

 This year Christmas was minimal because of Joan's fall and my total lack of interest.  The fall was an excuse and aren't we thankful for that.  Not the fall, but the excuse of it.  

The holiday has not been inspiring, fun, warm, nice in donkey ages 

and this year it felt better because I more or less ignored it.  

One of the only things I had planned to do was send our holiday wishes and I messed with them

 and took a new picture to use.  

Never sent the message except a few copies I mailed to a few people who sent Christmas cards.  

Some who sent late cards got nada.

the swan pleased me and here it is in a few variations.  

A SISTER IS FOREVER....

WHEN YOU'R HAPPY

I'M HAPPY.

WHEN YOUR HEART HURTS,

 MINE HURTS

challenge

 I, for my entire life, have done the bare minimal.  anything gets tough I get going.  not finishing studies, not becoming an expert, not, not not.

I want to before I leave this earth become good at something.  I need to finish the exercise, the whatever.  

I need to accept the challenge.

I will learn to bake bread

I will do Qigong till I am good at it.

I can do this.  I CAN DO THIS.  I STARTED TODAY .....

i NEED TO GET UP AND OFF MY LAZY ASS AND DO SOMETHING WELL.